After hours of deliberating over what to eat I finally decided on Moe's.  I went along with one of my line sisters and we had a deep intellectual conversation about life.  It's amazing how much you learn about someone if you just take the time to listen.  Overall, though today has been a laid back day.  I woke up around 10, went back to sleep at 10:30 to be scared out of my mind by a bad dream.  I was sweating and I could of sworn I was crying because my eyes were heavy and watery.  I hate having dreams about death, especially when it includes people who are close to me.  Later today, I'm thinking about putting together some gifts for people.  I don't know I think I've found a new hobby in doing arts and crafts.  All I've been wanting to do lately is sit and listen to music while I paint.  I think I'm finally coming in contact with my creative side.  Anyways I hope everyone has a blessed day. 

"F It"

Reflicting on the conversation I had with someone earlier this week, I realized how it boiled my blood to have spoken on issues I cared to destroy.  It really irks me to hold in dept conversations about my life and giving people the liberty to know more than I would like them to. For years my life has been filled with secrets, some good and some bad, but each have structured my personality and provided insight on the path I choose to lead.  Most have inspired my goals in a way that it reflects my desire help to others as a psychiatrist.   While I choose to be an outlet for others, I realize that I have not found my outlet.  I was told during this conversation that I need to let go of whatever haunting issues I have centered inside me by talking to someone and releasing these ill thoughts I have.  Trust me I'm not crazy, but then again what is the exact definition of crazy.  It has been said that individuals who pursue a career in psychology have "fucked up" mentalities because they themselves have issues.  They choose to evaluate patients and offer them a solution that they themselves can't conquer.  I won't lie I come at ease when I help other people and see a change in their lifestyle. 

I can't really muster why it's difficult for me to open my mouth, but I do know that not being able to talk about emotions has made me less empathetic.  I care less and I feel like others should walk with the same attitude as me.  Although I realize this can't be so, I also realize I need to stop being so stubborn.  There are many breaking points I have, but I maintain poise for I am a reflection of my father.  I find that many of his traits have been passed to me and at times I hate it.  I hate it because I don't want it to transpire into adulthood and make me bitter.  There are many times I question myself and although I know what I need to do to surpass this phase I choose not to.  Remarks like:  I can hold my own, Why tell other ppl when they possibly can't relate?, What can people do to help me if they can't help themselves?...have always stopped me from speaking out.  I guess when I come at ease with things I'll see a change.  Hopefully, it won't be too late.

And Then There Were 6...



I was sitting here trying to figure out what topic to discuss after "decades" of putting my fingers to rest and I thought why not include these lovely ladies in a blog.  Although the picture is missing two, the description I have of each of them is one of love, loyalty, and perserverance.  It took a lot for us to sit where we were and if you look at this picture you may assume that we're reflecting on something.  Possibly we were, for there are a lot of memories that all 6 of us hold close to our hearts.  Nothing can compare to the relationship we have established and how we gravitate to each other.  Despite our thriving personalities, we have all learned to cope with one another and accept each other for the people we are.  Individually we have our strengths and weaknesses, which we learned to use to guide each other through our worst and hardest moments.  We've seen each other cry, become stressed, depressed, and disgusted with the ill situations we faced individually.  Even though I grew close to these women in one semester, I truly feel like I've known them for a life time.  Some I grew closer to than others but I love all of them just the same.  I think its always nice to surround yourself with people who are as motivated, open-minded and as finesse as yourself, especially women.  It's very rare that you find such qualities in people now a days.

Anyways...

The picture also goes to remind me of the women in Set It Off.  Ask me why, I couldn't really tell you exactly, but it may be the idea of how the personalities of the characters reflect some of us.  I would go on to discuss each of them in detail but if you seen the movie and you know us then you get the idea.

~LOST IN TRANZLATION~

Spring 11'

For some reason I have a strong feeling that this year I will acheive more than I expected both personally and academically.  Since the moment it started everything has been falling in place.  I am in good health and I have the right mentality to achieve anything that I put my mind to.  This year I'm starting a new business venture which will grant me more responsibility and help me to really put together the pieces of my life.  By being independent everything relies on me and how ambitious I am to go for what I want.

I have a great person standing by my side to encourage and support me and my endeavors.  We'll be making a year in a couple of months and so far this is a great accomplishment because of how rocky the road has been in getting there.  We've struggled a lot but I feel like this relationship has brought me at peace with myself. It has given me the opportunity to love and breathe again.  It has taught me to appreciate the little things in life and to let go of my past and I truly do appreciate that.

Academically, I am a scholar and I will not settle for less.  Even though I maintain above a 3.0 I think that if I push myself a little harder I can walk away from Rutgers with honors.  On the court I just want to perfect my team and be the best leader I can be.  We are all talented without a doubt but there is work that needs to be done.  Our chemistry has not fully developed yet but as we grow and meet new competition we will get to the place where I want us to be.  My goals for the success of this team is by far more than any anyone has placed upon us before, but I think its because of how much I love the game and how much I want to see us excel.

Anyways as I clear my room to head back to Rutgers I feel good about my upcoming semester and everything else that will follow.  For everyone that reads this I wish all of you the best of luck.

At Peace With Thy Self

It's hard going through the stages of life not being able to identify who you are, especially when you "live in darkness" and have no one to turn to.  You remotely travel in the shadows of what society portrays as the norm and try so hard to discipline yourself to follow in the footsteps that have been laid out for you.  It becomes frustrating to divert from a passage that your parents have instilled in you and what religion has punctured into your brain.  You automatically question your desires, your future, your love and most importnatly your destiny.

When I look at myself and question my sexuality I wonder what it would be like to openly express myself without the hate.  What it would feel like to have people not automatically assume what they don't know but mistake to be fact.  For several years I pondered how my life would be different if I never decided to "experiment" with a female, but through it all I am proud of who I am.  There were times I was confused and hated the fact that I could even draw feelings of liking someone of the same sex.  I hated myself for it because it was not "normal."  I knew people wouldn't easily accept it and I disliked the irritating questions that followed.

However, I have grown comfortable in my own skin.  I realize people are always afraid of the unknown or quick to pass judgment on things they don't understand. With that assumptions will continuously be made because people need something to entertain themselves with.  Yea I like girls, but it has never stopped me from liking men.  Although I play two sides of the fence it doesn't make me greedy or promisicous I just am drawn to people that capture my attention regardless of gender.  Who am I say what is wrong and right or to point the finger because at the end of the day it is my life. I'm me.

Indescribable Love

When I hold you in my hands I feel a surge of power escalating throughout my body.  There is no fear in my eyes, just open opportunity.  I step onto the court and every player is a projection trained to defend and defeat me.  However, I must never quit for this is my world and I dictate the game I want to be played.  If I work hard at what I do no one can penetrate past me, move one step ahead of me, or know my weaknesses because after all my training a weakness no longer lives. However, with time I become my own worst enemy for if I surrender to an opponent I have surrendered to myself.

As I release you from my hands there is pure confidence that you will land as I envision you.  When I defend the opponent inches into my domain and crosses the boundaries of which I protect.  They violate a space and even though this is friendly competition I will own their mind and anticipate every move they make.  They will become my prisoner to sabotage.

Every sweat that drops and all the strength I utilize will bury them for I will become victorious.  Despite if I win or lose I know to myself I made them work to the end.  For being in battle, hearing sounds of the ball hit the court, and the squeak of sneakers is my drug.

The Weeping Girl

I sit on my bed with my face in my hands and do nothing but weep.  Cry for the pain, frustration, anger and hate that has built up inside me over the past couple of years.  Despite my will to admit this every one of my relationships has contributed to how I love today.  I push away great people for the sake of not wanting to hurt myself or others, but needless to say I have damaged their beliefs of what it means to have a great partner.

Truthfully, if I can rewind the time and make the decision to be alone I would.  It should never be a joke to play with people's emotions especially when you allow them to fall in so deep, or to manipulate their thoughts and hearts into wanting you more when in reality you want them to let go.  Many times you wish to remove the blind folds from their faces and the lies written on their hearts so they can stop treating you like you're this perfect saint here to save them of their ridicule.  And, even though you may share similar stories there still lies a difference that you remain bitter while they try to confine and find a cure in you.

So when is it ok to rebound and abuse another innocent person? Never, because no one deserves the baggage.  No one asks to be in that position and no one wishes to comprise with your faults.