"F It"

Reflicting on the conversation I had with someone earlier this week, I realized how it boiled my blood to have spoken on issues I cared to destroy.  It really irks me to hold in dept conversations about my life and giving people the liberty to know more than I would like them to. For years my life has been filled with secrets, some good and some bad, but each have structured my personality and provided insight on the path I choose to lead.  Most have inspired my goals in a way that it reflects my desire help to others as a psychiatrist.   While I choose to be an outlet for others, I realize that I have not found my outlet.  I was told during this conversation that I need to let go of whatever haunting issues I have centered inside me by talking to someone and releasing these ill thoughts I have.  Trust me I'm not crazy, but then again what is the exact definition of crazy.  It has been said that individuals who pursue a career in psychology have "fucked up" mentalities because they themselves have issues.  They choose to evaluate patients and offer them a solution that they themselves can't conquer.  I won't lie I come at ease when I help other people and see a change in their lifestyle. 

I can't really muster why it's difficult for me to open my mouth, but I do know that not being able to talk about emotions has made me less empathetic.  I care less and I feel like others should walk with the same attitude as me.  Although I realize this can't be so, I also realize I need to stop being so stubborn.  There are many breaking points I have, but I maintain poise for I am a reflection of my father.  I find that many of his traits have been passed to me and at times I hate it.  I hate it because I don't want it to transpire into adulthood and make me bitter.  There are many times I question myself and although I know what I need to do to surpass this phase I choose not to.  Remarks like:  I can hold my own, Why tell other ppl when they possibly can't relate?, What can people do to help me if they can't help themselves?...have always stopped me from speaking out.  I guess when I come at ease with things I'll see a change.  Hopefully, it won't be too late.